This spoof was performed at the opening of Babeth Lolarga's exhibition of paintings “BLING BLINGS & LUCKY ME,” at Taumbayan bar, 40 T. Gener and K-1 streets, Kamuning, Quezon City, on April 9 before an audience of journalists, writers, visual artists, singers, friends and family members. The exhibition of paintings is still on view until May 8. The venue's business hours are from 6 p.m. to 2 a.m.
Cast in order of appearance:
1. Frances Makil Ignacio as Princess Leia
2. Kate Sabate as Princess Minor Key
3. Joel Saracho as Himself
VOICEOVER: This is a fictitious skit inspired by a Philippine Daily Inquirer item in the Lifestyle section published in December 2009. In that item, the salesladies of a luxury brand boutique in Greenbelt, Makati City, voiced their sadness, saying how
much they missed the women of the A(m)patuan clan. These women are their favorite customers. They are world-class shopaholics known for buying high-end clothes and accessories in bulk and paying for these in cash. Last Christmas season, the women were sorely missed because they were lying low. Public opinion was strongly against the clan and its men who were considered the criminals behind the massacre of more than 50 people, most of whom were journalists. Today, nearly five months since
the massacre, public outrage seems to be waning as most people are keener on the outcome of the 2010 Philippine Presidential race. This morning, however, two members of the A(m)patuan clan slipped out of Maguindanao province by chopper to exercise retail relief.
Two princesses (wearing crowns but regular designer clothes, not Muslim royal wear) descend from the second floor of Taumbayan. Joel rushes to meet them.
JOEL (approaches ladies, extends hand to help them with bags): Gandang hapon po. May I help you?
PRINCESS LEIA (raises eyebrows and chin, straightens back to full height after handing bags over to Joel, then speaks with a thick Visayan accent): Anu ba tong ples na itish? Bar, bestro, galiri, ol op
d abob? Ba’t waray air-con? Enet pa. Kagagaleng lang namin ng sester ko sa Mekati. We jes want a cool drenk bago kami umuwi sa condo. I don’t want to leb our things sa chopper. Maherap na ang panahon. Dameng break-ins. Bagung bele ko pa naman etong Luis Vetoon bag.
PRINCESS MINOR KEY (imitates stance of Leia as she also hands shopping bags to Joel): Iced tea for me, please. Are you the head waiter?
JOEL (smilingly leads princesses to center table for two, puts bags gently down on the floor, signals to waiter to send iced tea
to the 2 customers): Chong, 2 glasses iced tea para sa kanila. Ako po si Joel Saracho (bows, then turns to audience as though awaiting applause). Isa ako sa mga partner dito sa Taumbayan. Yes, it’s a bar, bistro at alternative art space.
PRINCESS LEIA and PRINCESS MINOR KEY (bristling upon hearing the word Taumbayan and echoing one another, swiveling heads and eyeing the audience suspiciously): Taumbayan? Taumbayan ka mo? (turning to one
another, clasping their hands across the table in fear) Taumbayan?
PRINCESS MINOR KEY (in chiding, I-told-you-so manner): Sis, we don’t have our close-in security with us. You told me to leave them behind coz nobody but nobody recognizes us.
JOEL (rubs the back of Princess Minor Key in gesture of assurance): This is a safe place po. Our politician and millionaire friends leave their armed guards at home. Again, I’m Joel. And you are?
PRINCESS MINOR KEY (squirms when Joel touches her back, shrugs him off and speaks in English with an American twang): Who we are? We are the princesses A(m)patuan of A(m)patuan town, Maguindanao. That there is my
older sister, her royal highness Princess Leia. I am Princess Minor Key. We just flew in today in our Papa Doc’s choppper to seewhat’s new at Greenbelt 5. We couldn’t shop till we drop last Christmas, you know. That killing field—all media-manufactured stories. This summer is our chance to shop now that the palms of the
men in our family are being greased because of the coming elections. Our order for iced tea is taking a teeny weenie bit too long, Joel (crosses legs and looks at Joel snootily from head to foot).
PRINCESS LEIA (widens eyes at younger sister, kicks Minor Key’s leg under the table and hisses aloud): Ano ka ba, Inday Meenor? Mano bang tumahimik ka? Pahamak ka talaga!
JOEL (his turn to raise both eyebrows at the sisters, puffs his chest, frowns, seethes, fumes, picks up a beer bottle by its neck from the neighboring table, clasps and unclasps it as though holding back his temper): Kayo pala ang A(m)patuan sistahs, ha? Enjoy the evening if you can get out of this place alive! (turns his back at the two women and entertains other guests)
PRINCESSES LEIA and MINOR KEY hurriedly pick up their shopping bags. Leia trips & contents of bag spill out. Joel turns to look at the minor commotion. Picks up a shoe, examines it, turns it over and over, rubs the leather, smells the sole.
JOEL (in a voice triumphant): Tiangge ng Greenhills!!! Pa Louis Vuitton, Louis Vuitton pa kayo! (signals able-bodied waiter) Waiter, i-escort itong mga pretensiyosang prinsesita sa labas.
Waiter escorts the two women.
WAITER (in a solicitous tone): Saan ho uwi niyo? Greenhills? Alabang?
Valle Verde?
PRINCESSES LEIA (recovering her airs): Quezon City, excuse me.
WAITER: Ahh. Sa La Vista? New Manila? O Ayala Heights po?
PRINCESSES LEIA and MINOR KEY (in unison again): SA TATALON!!! AY YAWA! (stomping off to Exit, mustering as much
dignity as they can)
THE END
A version of this skit with the actors' ad libs & improvisations can be viewed at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-c7bpWWajeM
See more
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Thank you, SINAG DE LEON, for documenting the performance.
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