The A(m)patuan Ladies Go Shopping at Greenbelt 5

This spoof was performed at the opening of Babeth Lolarga's exhibition of paintings “BLING BLINGS & LUCKY ME,” at Taumbayan bar, 40 T. Gener and K-1 streets, Kamuning, Quezon City, on April 9 before an audience of journalists, writers, visual artists, singers, friends and family members. The exhibition of paintings is still on view until May 8. The venue's business hours are from 6 p.m. to 2 a.m.

Cast in order of appearance:

1. Frances Makil Ignacio as Princess Leia

2. Kate Sabate as Princess Minor Key

3. Joel Saracho as Himself

VOICEOVER: This is a fictitious skit inspired by a Philippine Daily Inquirer item in the Lifestyle section published in December 2009. In that item, the salesladies of a luxury brand boutique in Greenbelt, Makati City, voiced their sadness, saying how
much they missed the women of the A(m)patuan clan. These women are their favorite customers. They are world-class shopaholics known for buying high-end clothes and accessories in bulk and paying for these in cash. Last Christmas season, the women were sorely missed because they were lying low. Public opinion was strongly against the clan and its men who were considered the criminals behind the massacre of more than 50 people, most of whom were journalists. Today, nearly five months since
the massacre, public outrage seems to be waning as most people are keener on the outcome of the 2010 Philippine Presidential race. This morning, however, two members of the A(m)patuan clan slipped out of Maguindanao province by chopper to exercise retail relief.

Two princesses (wearing crowns but regular designer clothes, not Muslim royal wear) descend from the second floor of Taumbayan. Joel rushes to meet them.

JOEL (approaches ladies, extends hand to help them with bags): Gandang hapon po. May I help you?

PRINCESS LEIA (raises eyebrows and chin, straightens back to full height after handing bags over to Joel, then speaks with a thick Visayan accent): Anu ba tong ples na itish? Bar, bestro, galiri, ol op
d abob? Ba’t waray air-con? Enet pa. Kagagaleng lang namin ng sester ko sa Mekati. We jes want a cool drenk bago kami umuwi sa condo. I don’t want to leb our things sa chopper. Maherap na ang panahon. Dameng break-ins. Bagung bele ko pa naman etong Luis Vetoon bag.

PRINCESS MINOR KEY (imitates stance of Leia as she also hands shopping bags to Joel): Iced tea for me, please. Are you the head waiter?

JOEL (smilingly leads princesses to center table for two, puts bags gently down on the floor, signals to waiter to send iced tea
to the 2 customers): Chong, 2 glasses iced tea para sa kanila. Ako po si Joel Saracho (bows, then turns to audience as though awaiting applause). Isa ako sa mga partner dito sa Taumbayan. Yes, it’s a bar, bistro at alternative art space.

PRINCESS LEIA and PRINCESS MINOR KEY (bristling upon hearing the word Taumbayan and echoing one another, swiveling heads and eyeing the audience suspiciously): Taumbayan? Taumbayan ka mo? (turning to one
another, clasping their hands across the table in fear) Taumbayan?

PRINCESS MINOR KEY (in chiding, I-told-you-so manner): Sis, we don’t have our close-in security with us. You told me to leave them behind coz nobody but nobody recognizes us.

JOEL (rubs the back of Princess Minor Key in gesture of assurance): This is a safe place po. Our politician and millionaire friends leave their armed guards at home. Again, I’m Joel. And you are?

PRINCESS MINOR KEY (squirms when Joel touches her back, shrugs him off and speaks in English with an American twang): Who we are? We are the princesses A(m)patuan of A(m)patuan town, Maguindanao. That there is my
older sister, her royal highness Princess Leia. I am Princess Minor Key. We just flew in today in our Papa Doc’s choppper to seewhat’s new at Greenbelt 5. We couldn’t shop till we drop last Christmas, you know. That killing field—all media-manufactured stories. This summer is our chance to shop now that the palms of the
men in our family are being greased because of the coming elections. Our order for iced tea is taking a teeny weenie bit too long, Joel (crosses legs and looks at Joel snootily from head to foot).

PRINCESS LEIA (widens eyes at younger sister, kicks Minor Key’s leg under the table and hisses aloud): Ano ka ba, Inday Meenor? Mano bang tumahimik ka? Pahamak ka talaga!

JOEL (his turn to raise both eyebrows at the sisters, puffs his chest, frowns, seethes, fumes, picks up a beer bottle by its neck from the neighboring table, clasps and unclasps it as though holding back his temper): Kayo pala ang A(m)patuan sistahs, ha? Enjoy the evening if you can get out of this place alive! (turns his back at the two women and entertains other guests)

PRINCESSES LEIA and MINOR KEY hurriedly pick up their shopping bags. Leia trips & contents of bag spill out. Joel turns to look at the minor commotion. Picks up a shoe, examines it, turns it over and over, rubs the leather, smells the sole.

JOEL (in a voice triumphant): Tiangge ng Greenhills!!! Pa Louis Vuitton, Louis Vuitton pa kayo! (signals able-bodied waiter) Waiter, i-escort itong mga pretensiyosang prinsesita sa labas.

Waiter escorts the two women.

WAITER (in a solicitous tone): Saan ho uwi niyo? Greenhills? Alabang?
Valle Verde?

PRINCESSES LEIA (recovering her airs): Quezon City, excuse me.

WAITER: Ahh. Sa La Vista? New Manila? O Ayala Heights po?

PRINCESSES LEIA and MINOR KEY (in unison again): SA TATALON!!! AY YAWA! (stomping off to Exit, mustering as much
dignity as they can)

THE END

A version of this skit with the actors' ad libs & improvisations can be viewed at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-c7bpWWajeM
See more
www.youtube.com

Thank you, SINAG DE LEON, for documenting the performance.

‘Oh, My Señorita, Sweet Sweet Lady’: The Story Behind the Painting

Sometime in February this year, my youngest of four sisters, Gigi Lolarga (poker nut to me, Eugenia Celerina D. Lolarga in her birth certificate), asked me, her ate, what my birthday gift was for her. Normally, I’d pull something out of my thin wallet. But that day, all I could promise her was a portrait of Bruno Lolarga, her “son.”

The image of the playful pug Brunski stayed in my mind like an old refrain, so to speak. When friends like Brenda V. Fajardo, my former professor in modern art in the mid-1970s (gosh, this really dates me) fell seriously ill followed by Rey Rimando, math prof at UP Baguio and my children’s math tutor who made them less fearful of numbers (his aneurysm struck on Valentine week) and Noel Cuizon (a nephew of Brenda’s, by the way), there was no way my earnings as a freelance writer would contribute anything of significance to the cost of their operations, recuperation, follow-up with medical specialists, rehabilitation, etc.

By this time I was keeping mind, breaking heart and sometimes unsteady hands busy by painting in preparation for a solo show at Taumbayan bar-bistro.

I texted my exhibit proposal to Joel Saracho, former colleague from Manila Standard days and manager-partner of the bar, who was on a video shoot in Bukidnon, but he managed to reply, “That’s so Taumbayan,” meaning he approved of my contrasting blings with canned goods and instant noodles.

Summer of last year, he invited me to exhibit there when it was just a few months old. Since then, the place has been a night owl’s hub for the theater and television people who keep odd (a.k.a. vampire ) hours. I felt right at home that first time there with Gou de Jesus and Ernie Enriquez.

Someone was having a birthday then—Augie Rivera, if my blinking memory is working right. We were complete strangers to one another but were quickly introduced. Like any hospitable birthday celebrator, he asked me to partake of his feast. Un-shy when faced with a rectangular slab of Estrel’s caramel cake, I cut a generous slice complete with rosebud-shaped icing. Talk of feel at home. I always like to use William Saroyan’s title for his book “My Kind of Crazy, Wonderful People” in situations like this.

To shorten this narration, one day in March this year I posted a picture of Bruno on my Facebook profile and stated that I intended to paint a portrait of him paired with a snooty señorita. The images of him with a lady were up there, still vague. Actor Frances Makil Ignacio, Nitz to those who know her, volunteered in her comment to be the model. I asked permission if I could scour her photos posted in her profile to guide me.

I zeroed in on Frances in a black and white polka dotted dress, which turned out to be her costume for her role as Lucy Brown in “Threepenny Opera” by Bertolt Brecht and Kurt Weill. Well, as Ka Universe (Gilda Cordero Fernando) likes to say, the universe has a way of stitching things together. Even Gou, freelance writer-editor by day, occasional jazz singer by night, gave the bright suggestion of singing our friends to health. An art auction with songs to up the bids--brilliant, Gou!

Meanwhile, I couldn’t think in my regular format of 16” x 20” anymore. This tribute to Bruno, his master Gigi, Frances, etc. had to be BIG to be worth anything if it were to be auctioned off to benefit the sick. So I thought big: four feet by four feet canvas on board. My private art teacher Norman Chow had to repeat the request to ensure he was reading his SMS right. Yes, I texted back, four feet by four feet and make it an order for two canvases.

“Stormy Norman,” our private nickname for him, had his carpenter in Baguio execute the specs up to the stretching and priming of canvases. With paint and brushes ready and the managing of minor assorted household crises in Baguio and Pasig not bothering me any longer, I applied myself the way my other teacher, Jerry Araos, told me how at the greenhouse of Oscar and Toottee Pacis in Happy Homes.

Norman guided me all the way, recruiting his son Chino, a computer science major who paints on the side, to help. Chino was a study in coolness while Norman and I mismatched colors, hues and tints, he scratching his bald head, me scratching what was left of my head of hair. On learning that Chino was the third pair of hands in the endeavor, Toottee, who was then in Manila attending a valedictorian grandchild’s graduation, texted: “I hope Chino knows what he’s in for.”

We will see what we’re all in for when “Oh, My Señorita, Sweet Sweet Lady” goes up for auction at an opening bid of P8,000 early this evening, April 9, at Taumbayan, 40 T. Gener and K-1 streets, Kamuning, Quezon City.

Belated happy birthday, baby sis Gi. Sorry the painting of Bruno will find a new owner. Just the same, the real deal will always be with us.

Photo of re-tooled, revised "Oh, My Señorita, Sweet Sweet Lady" by LIWA ARAOS, exhibit curator